Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.