Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
and now we wait
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”