Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
You Might Also Like
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.