Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
You Might Also Like
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Pikachu found the lost joint
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
somebody come look at this
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.