Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Oh my god
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.