Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
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[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.