Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club