People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown