i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
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I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The French word for sex is croissant.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”