*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
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Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
the only organized thing in my life is crime
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”