Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
You Might Also Like
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Breaking news:
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
bout dat hot dog summer
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.