Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
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My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.