ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
You got this…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”