(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Breaking news:
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami