[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
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People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Seek kebab; not attention
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day