Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
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A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Cool shirt 🙂
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.