Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.