Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.