Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
White parent Vs Arab parents
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My work here is don’t.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
This raises questions
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.