Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
reduce, reuse, recycle
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Me if I was a dog
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”