Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.