me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
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Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all