me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
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Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Does it…does it take 3 days
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.