me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
seems fine
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????