Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
calling in to work dehydrated
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch