me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks