Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
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[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
crying
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.