If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
You Might Also Like
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My birthstone is a sushi roll.