Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
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“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Hey i am sexy to you now
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*