Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
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My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.