@LosLos__: Me: Gonna go see Gym.
Friend: You mean go to the gym?
Me: No, Gym is Geoff's brother.
@TheRolo: And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like "Naw, I'll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!"
@pixelatedboat: You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
@saucy_peaches: My mom always said that I'd never find a man dumb enough to marry me.
Well, I showed her...
@MatCro: [4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] "There has to be a better way."
VOICEOVER: "Hot tubs."
@Ideal_Victoria: I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I'm pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.