@LosLos__: Me: Gonna go see Gym.
Friend: You mean go to the gym?
Me: No, Gym is Geoff's brother.
@hashtag_stacks: 'I've never done this on a first date before' I say as I start vacuuming his place
@Brianhopecomedy: Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
@crunchenhancer: Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
@gingerfaced: Next time you get in a fight with your girl.. Go tighten all the lids on the jars.
@SandyPeterz: Whenever I have a twitter break, I check my job.