@LosLos__: Me: Gonna go see Gym.
Friend: You mean go to the gym?
Me: No, Gym is Geoff's brother.
@GrantTanaka: As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself "What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?"
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr
Friend: THEY'RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK
@noog: "911 what's ur emergency"
This guy's not breathing
"Did u send him ur vibes?"
Yes I been sending em
"I'm sending some too"
Okay he good now
@BromanConsul: I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
"Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank"
@GibJimson: Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?