@LosLos__: Me: Gonna go see Gym.
Friend: You mean go to the gym?
Me: No, Gym is Geoff's brother.
@StellaRtwot: Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he's happy you waved to him?
@nerdreign: Some days it's little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we're alone, that help me realize I'd rather have the insurance money.
@joci2203: "Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe"
-straight up killin' it at this parenting thing
@MicheleAKALips: Sometimes when I'm bored I send a text to a random number saying, "ok they're dead, what do I do with the body?"
@LoveNLunchmeat: If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You'll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.