my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
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1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.