@LosLos__: Me: Gonna go see Gym.
Friend: You mean go to the gym?
Me: No, Gym is Geoff's brother.
@Jake_Vig: Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
@krispythehuman: How to use eyeliner:
1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids
2. Oops too thick, try to even them out
3. Colour your whole face in
@daemonic3: I'm a:
I'm wanted (wanted):
@carlyken: Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude's castle far too often to be a coincidence.
@ghostkrogh: Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan