ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Milk Cube
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.