ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.