me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
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Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
the noise i just made
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her: