Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Who knew!
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.