i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.