[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
This is Sparta
Pikachu found the lost joint
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
how high up are we talkin’?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no