Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
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“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
doing some research
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.