Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs