To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can