Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
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Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
another case of gang violins
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.