me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.