Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
You Might Also Like
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.