2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
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What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
absolutely not
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.