Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink