Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.