me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
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ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me when my alarm goes off
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Dear Lord..
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.