me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
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“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.