If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere