Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
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(during sex)
Don鈥檛 move! Don鈥檛 move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Sending in my taxes
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Absolute genius if you ask me 馃憣馃ぃ
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind鈥檚 really pickin up
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!