If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
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sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!