Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.