ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
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My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances