ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.